I was talking to my mom tonight… she is getting a bit older, just turned 60 which is still young enough, but she is starting to have serious health problems. It is making her nervous with the economy because she works for the State which is very uneasy right now. They are talking furloughs or straight out layoffs. She is a single woman – has been since we were about 3. She is getting worried that with all these health problems that she may not be able to work as much, or get laid off because of the economy and she even talked about having to sell her house and where she would go. She never has worried like this before. I think when she hit 60 she kind of thought “wow, I’m alone, getting older and not sure what to do” which I think is very normal.

But that made me wonder. I’m only 35, and I know I have some years to go, but who is going to take care of me when I get older? The fact is, my mom would never want me to take her in, and she has clearly stated that. She is used to being alone and doing her own thing, and I think the thought of having to move to a townhouse, a condo or god forbid, an “elderly” living facility freaks her out. She is incredibly independent – too much so honestly. I feel exactly the same way – I don’t want someone to take me in either… which brings me to retirement funds. I don’t have $10 in my savings account, never mind anything for retirement.

At what point in your life do you realize that I have probably lived half my life and yet have nothing to show for it but an awesome child. My mother does have savings, although technically not enough to live on for the rest of her life, and she does worry about her financial well being., but at least she has something. She has a career, good credit, savings, and the means to do almost anything she sets her mind to.

I have nothing really… and it is starting to freak me out. It makes me nervous that my mom who seemingly has it all together would worry so much, and I have a lot less than her. When is it too late? You always here about how you can save a million dollars if you put X amount away every month, but it is always starting at 20 or 25. What about when you are 35 and don’t have X amount to put away.

I don’t know who I’m more nervous about… her (although she always lands on her feet) or me (who doesn’t)… either way, I feel for her for what she is going through. I would hate to have that “what if” feeling being 60 years old. God knows I hate having it now.

Two nights ago I had a double anxiety moment… two moments that I was not expecting in the least.

I logged onto Facebook (as I so often do now!) and found a quiz from my son that I placed for adoption. The quiz stared at me as I read the words that I feared – “How well do you know Corey?”

Now, I have to say that I contemplating even taking this quiz, but he knew I was on, I knew I was on, and I knew that I would inevitably have to take this quiz. I was freaking out to say the least. What if I got 0%? How would that look considering the fact we have an open adoption and I am his birth mother and all. With heart beating away, I took the quiz… and thankfully scored the highest score of 70% – meaning 7 out of 10 correct. I would have gotten 8 out of 10 correct but I was so thrown off by the question of “What is my favorite alcoholic drink” that I didn’t really think that one through very well! By the way he is 14!! Either way, I felt great that I do indeed know my son, adopted or not, lol.

Then… the big gulp moment!

He was online so we were chatting a bit, and I mentioned that I noticed he is back with his girlfriend whom he had broken up with a few weeks ago. I asked him about it and in typical teenage boy fashion he said that he wasn’t really back with her, but and I quote “she wanted to get with me.”

Huh. What did that mean? As I am not a teenage boy, I assumed he meant she wanted to get BACK with him. NOPE! She wanted to get WITH him. WITH, as in S.E.X.

He was sort of beating around the bush with it, so I just came out and said it “She wants to have SEX with you????” And he explained that she had apparently slept with another guy while they were broken up (which I think is a lie she told for whatever reason, but who knows really… kids that age do indeed have sex), and so know he was thinking about having sex with her, because let’s face it as he said… he wanted to.

Here I was, the birth mother, thinking to myself of what advice I would give my son Matthew and then realizing that this was still my son, albeit a really weird situation, and I just basically said this.

Are you kidding me?

In hindsight not the best wisdom to impart, but nonetheless, it was what I was feeling. After a few seconds, I did come back with the proper questions such as “Do you think you are ready?” “Why is this something you are thinking about” “Are you doing it just to keep her?

From there I went the “cool” birth mom route and said that I think he was much too young to be even considering this, and for all the reasons, but if he were to do it to use protection. I wasn’t about to explain that part to him, but I told him that he needed to make sure they were both protected, and to remember how he came to be. I also explained how hard it was to find out you were going to be a teenage parent and that I didn’t want to see him go down that road. I also mentioned that I was 19 when I got pregnant (I left out the part about that not being my first time, lol, but he didn’t really need to know that – as far as I know he thinks the father was the first person I was ever with) and that at 14 it’s a whole different ballgame. Apparently the girl is adopted too which is why I think they connected so well in the first place, but that is only personal opinion.

Either way I’m at the point that I KNOW I should tell his mom, but I feel so close to him now that we have talked about this stuff, that I’m not sure that I’m ready to lose it all if I were to tell his mom. I just kept saying that I hope he makes the right choices, and I kept emphasizing safe sex, lol. I was like some freaking after school special!

But let me tell you, as my son is only turning 6, I really didn’t think I would have to have this conversation for a few years yet… and now that I did, I think it went okay!

Don’t get me wrong, I am SO not ready for that conversation with Matthew, but I think I can do it when the time comes :-)

You know my niece Caitlin? The one I adore, the one I speak of often… the one I admire so much? She just signed up for the Navy today! The freaking Navy! LOVE IT!!

I have known that there was something great out there for her, and I honestly think she has found it… I’m so thrilled, bursting with pride if you must know :-) Sure, I’m nervous about where it will take her, but I can’t think of a better thing that she can do with her life. She has been going back and forth since leaving ASU about what she will do, and if she will finish college. Well I think she found it, and I can’t be more happy for her!

19 and in the Navy… my niece! Crazy, but crazy cool… YAY! I worry about her so much you know, she is so intelligent and so wise beyond her years.. and so unlike any other 19 year old you have ever met. And to see her go beyond what she may be comfortable with shows me how grown up she really is. I’m just such a proud Auntie :-) She leaves for boot camp in about 1 to 2 months – she’ll be going to Illinois, so although I’m bummed that it is not in North Carolina, I think she will put all of her training and her education to good use and excel at this. I just can’t believe it.. .but yet at the same time, I know she is perfect for it!

As you know, my cousins as well as my Uncle Timmy came up from Maine on Thursday to visit myself and my mom for her 60th birthday. To say it was one of the best times I have had in a while is a complete understatement! As soon as they arrived at my moms house on Thursday night I knew it was going to be a blast, and it really was. We sat down just to chat and have some dinner and within a few minutes I was just laughing my ass off. They are the funniest people, especially when they are all together! I don’t think I laughed that hard and I know I haven’t seen my mom laugh that hard in such a long time. It was just what we needed!

Friday my mom gave them a tour of the city that included going to museums and learning about the area, shopping, true southern bbq, and so much more. I didn’t go with them, but I heard about it later, and it sounds like they had a great time there as well. Then Friday night we all went to dinner for my moms birthday… we ate too much, probably drank too much, and generally had a great time! I won’t bore you with all the details but suffice it to say, we were all pretty drunk, including my 54 year old uncle who at one point in time bought a round of beers, forgot he bought them, and then proceeded to go back up to the bar and buy more… and forgot that he bought them after a few minutes… at one point, we had 13 full beers between 5 people. Fun ensued for sure! And as you know I would, here is a picture to prove it :-)

I was quite sad when they left, only because I don’t get to see them as much as I would like, and they are really my own family. My son adored Uncle Timmy and thought he was just the greatest, so it was wonderful to see him so happy.

In other news – as many of you saw last night on Facebook – my son finally rode his bike without training wheels! It was actually his friend Lava who was riding without them which spurred him on… as soon as he saw her do it, he had to too :-) And he did great until Amy’s husband decided that he was going to have the kids ride down what he aptly named “the hill of death.” Well the first few times were great, but the last time my son took a nasty fall and caught the handlebars right in his head. OUCH! That was the end of the hill of death for the day, lol. I actually have the fall on video which I was taking, but it wasn’t quite as funny as they make it out to be on America’s Funniest Home Videos, lol. Of course I’m a mom, lol, so those things really aren’t all that funny when someone gets hurt :-) And here’s another picture!

This week it is time to find me some more work, because believe me… it hasn’t been happening lately! I know last Tuesday that I would be spending the weekend with family so I didn’t look for any, and then yesterday I was off enjoying the wonderful spring weather… so today it is time to buckle down and get something done. Ugh… I’m not ready for that yet!!

I think it was Jose I was telling about my lack of family. And I mean, real lack of family… seriously, after it all breaks down, I only have like 14 living relatives, 5 of which I don’t talk to…. 4 of which I haven’t seen in 5 years but catch up with on Facebook, and then 2 I see on a regular basis (my mom and my son, lol) and then 2 that I am close to but they live far away (my sister and niece), oh and then my older son that I placed for adoption that I see about once a year, once every two years because of the distance. Literally, that is all I have… no others that are hidden away… that is just it. Oh I forgot about my cousins children – there are 4 of those, only 2 of which I have met.

So, as you can see, not a huge family by any means! But luckily for me 3 of them are flying here TODAY!! My cousin Christy and Janelle and their dad, my Uncle Timmy are coming down from Maine for my mom’s 60th birthday which is tomorrow. I’m super excited! I haven’t seen them in 5 years since the baptism of Christy’s oldest son when I still lived in New England, so it’s been a while!

They really are very cool.. Janelle is super stylish and very beautiful, Christy is such a wonderful sweet person and also very pretty… she is 28ish and Janelle is turning 30 this year, so when we were younger they always seemed soooooo much younger than me as I am 5+ years older than Janelle… but now they are totally “my age” so this is going to be the first time we are actually going to be able to go out and have a great time together! Tonight we are going to my mom’s for dinner and then tomorrow we’re all going out to dinner and then to the bar, so I think it is going to be a wonderful bonding experience.

I’m anxious for my son to hang out with my Uncle Timmy… he is such a funny guy! He reminds me so much of Tim Taylor from Home Improvement. The last time my son saw Uncle Timmy was at my wedding when my son was 3 years old. Uncle Timmy was holding him and for the first time ever my son has massive diarrhea, and before we knew it, my Uncle Timmy was COVERED in it, LOL. It truly was hysterical. I think he luckily had another shirt in the car or something, but OMG I will never forget his face when he saw what was happening. But being the great guy he was he totally blew it off like it was nothing. But we sure had a good laugh for days over it!

So, I’m making stuffed shells for them and a birthday cake for my mom… so I have to go get ready! I’ll take lots of pictures :-)

So, I haven’t been doing well on the quitting smoking. Better? Yes… Full non-smoker? No… But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I have weaned myself to a few cigarettes everyday and by the end of next week I have yet another quit date. It’s not so bad though – I only smoke about 5 each day as compared to a whopping pack and a half. Although I have to admit when I hang out with my friend or go out to the bar it is considerably more that that.

Now, as for weight loss and exercise, I’m doing okay! Again, not great, but definitely better than before. I’m walking every day, but my eating hasn’t been all that good. However, now I have incentive. This summer I am going to the beach… yep, Myrtle Beach!

If you around last year when I went to Myrtle Beach (and most of you that still read my blog were – the very very few of you, lol) you’ll seem to recall that I decided to do one of those KOA camping Kabin things – you know, the one with no bathroom? Yeah, not this year. Actually Mike, the husband, is doing something extremely unlike him and almost downright thoughtful… he is doing a bartering thing. He is going to do work on this woman’s house (tearing down wallpaper and painting her kitchen, bathroom, and master bathroom) in exchange for ONE FULL WEEK in her OCEANFRONT 3 bedroom condo. You hear me right – a full week for FREE… FREE.. and more FREE!! So, sometime after June when my son gets out of school we’ll head down for a leisurely wonderful vacation (this time with a bathroom in the condo!) for fun, sun and activities. I’m so excited I can’t even tell you!

Oh yeah, this is my incentive alright. I’m going to look good on that beach whether it kills me or not. I have 5 months so I’m shooting for a large weight loss – at least enough to maybe meet a few boys, do a little flirting and have a good ole’ time. It’s 3 bedrooms – anyone want to come with me??? I even managed to find a drop off center for my son one night so I can hit the local bar and play some pool. The waves, the sun, the peace and quiet… I can almost feel myself at the beach just thinking about it

Well, I have an exciting weekend coming up! Okay, not exciting, but at least mildly fun :-) My mom has offered to take my son for the night tonight, so I’m totally going out. I’m not sure where or with who, but I’m going! And then tomorrow night my friend Meredith and her husband are dropping their son off at this bouncy house place for 4 hours (part of a weekend out package thing they offer) so I decided to drop my son off as well and we’re all going out to play some pool. Two nights in a row for me – woohooo!

Then do you know what I’m doing this weekend as well? My taxes! You may say – ugh – why is she happy about that? Well, because I know in 8 to 10 days I will have a nice chunk of change in my account, since the husband has no back taxes and it is all coming to me. The Federal I won’t get for a few months because of that pesky injured spouse issue, but I’ll get the state from his job which is almost $800. I can get my car fixed, inspected and up to date on the registration and still have a few dollars left over to perhaps buy a pair of jeans or a haircut – both of which I need desperately!

OH – so get this. My biological son Corey was on Facebook the same time I was and he popped on the IM thing to say hello.. which he NEVER does. I was so thrilled I was smiling ear to ear. I just love talking to him on a more “adult” level now that he is 14. We talked sports and his height – he has grown to be 5′9 which in itself is amazing considering I’m barely 5′2 and his biological father was only 5′6. I know, I’m not sure what I was doing with a shorty like that, lol. Anyhow, he is still growing so he must obviously take after my father who is like 6′2 or something. I think 5′9 is a very respectable height!

But I digress… so he started to tell me about a little depression he is feeling and asked if it was genetic and so forth. I had to be honest and say that everyone in our family has been inflicted with depression at some point or another but I said it in a positive way like genetics don’t make up who you are and you can push through it now that you know it happens and blah blah blah. Trying not to be too motherly but still positive about what he is going through. Then he comes out with “Did you ever turn to drinking to make it better?” I immediately had a radar going off in my head that said, he wasn’t referring to me. So, I straight out asked and he told me that he got drunk last weekend. He swears he doesn’t like it and it didn’t make him happy, but still. Every kid says that.

Now – you may already see the dilema I am facing. Do I tell his adoptive mother Terry or do I keep something like this to myself? I promised I wouldn’t say anything but I was so stunned that he would tell me that stuff that I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean, all 14 year olds try drinking at least once right? This isn’t a big deal right? Because I know if I told her she would freak out and tell him which means that he would know I told her and then he wouldn’t trust me anymore. I really want to earn his trust so I think I have to keep my mouth shut. I did tell her (because she was emailing me frantically as soon as she found out I was talking to him. She was worried about what I would say) that I would tell her that if something serious was going on or if it was something dangerous that I would tell her. The fact is, I would. He is still my son and I still worry about him a lot, so I would be honest with her if I thought he was doing something like drugs or whatever.

So, tell me, should I just let it go and chalk it up to his first drinking experience (he swears it was and I do believe him) or do I totally rat him out and possibly lose that communication that I want so bad?

Anyhow, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Try to stay warm, because damn, it’s cold outside!!