I realize that I never did post about my contest yesterday – but I have a good reason! I was at the hospital all day – don’t worry, I’m okay :-)

I’ve been sort of in a funk the past week or so, and here’s why. When I went to the walk in clinic last week for my chest pains, they ruled out a heart attack but they did an x-ray and found what looked to be a mass on my lungs. According to them all signs pointed towards lung cancer, but they said it was much too early to tell. To say that I was freaked out was a complete understatement.

As you know, I don’t have insurance, but besides the point, after I started Googling the STC cancer that it looked like it could be, I realized that I could have as little as a few months to live, and I would never make it over 5 years. Scared me to death honestly.

So, yesterday they made me an appointment at a hospital to get a CT scan. Well upon arriving at the hospital, the doctor agreed that I needed more than that done. He said that he needed to rule out a heart issue himself, so he took another x-ray, 2 CT scans (one for the chest and one for the head for the numbness and blurred vision I have been having), as well as an MRI and another test where I stand in front of moving machinery while it floats around me – not sure what that test was called.

I was at one of the best heart and lung hospitals in North Carolina so I felt sure that I would get the answers that I needed. And I did. I got the full workup about 10 hours after I arrived I got the results.

No congestive heart failure
Nothing wrong with the brain
and best of all?
No lung cancer

What I have is an inflammation of the cartilage surrounding the lungs probably gotten from a bout of pneumonia which is what the “mass” was that they saw on the x-ray. My pneumonia, although they can’t be completely sure that is what I had, was covering the lungs making it look much much worse on x-rays than what it really was. Once I did the CT scan and MRI they realized that it was just leftover inflammation from the pneumonia and that because I am a smoker, when coupled with the gray shaded areas from my years of killing myself, looked a whole lot worse than what it is.

So, I went home with a 1-800 number to call to learn how to quit smoking, anti-inflammatory medicine for the inflammation of the cartilage as well as some medicine to help clear up what they think was pneumonia. Basically he said that I had pushed myself so hard while I was sick that I honestly didn’t even know I was sick. Which makes sense, because I’m so the person who will go out with a fever and not even realize I have one. I’m not intolerable to pain and sickness necessarily but I just deal with it more than most and tend to not even notice it… as a lot of moms do they said. I also went home with an almost $8,000 bill but they agreed to let me pay it over the next 2 to 3 years which breaks down to about $200 a month. If I can prove 200% poverty level they can drop the bill even further, which in my case won’t be that hard, lol. Since a lot of my money is side money I can do that easily and it should drop the bill to a reasonable $3000 to $4000. Not ideal, but better.

So, besides a little prehypertension because my blood pressure was too high, I’m A-OK :-) I can’t even tell you what a complete relief it was to see all my bloodwork, tests and so forth in black and white and know that I’m actually much healthier than previously thought. So, YAY! I feel SO much better.

But I tell ya, it was a wake a call that I certainly needed. He flat out told me that I wouldn’t stay this healthy if I keep up with my bad habits, so this weekend I think I’m going to join the YMCA and set yet another quit date for smoking. I feel like I only have about 1 more chance to change my life, and I think it is about time I did :-)

I’ll be posting about the contest later on today, so make sure you come back!

Does anyone here like Oprah? I know so many people love her, and yet at the same time, SO many people can’t stand her. Personally, I enjoy her! Today she is doing a new show called “Living the Best Life” or something like that, and it is basically about how embarrassed she is that she keeps losing and gaining weight. I’m so with her. It is so frustrating to lose weight and then gain it back and then have to lose it again – it is embarrassing!! I’ve done it like 4 times myself – lost all the weight, gained it all back, lost it again, gained it again, lost it yet again and gained it, lost and now, gained it. We’re not talking 20 pounds either – we’re talking 80 to 100 pounds each time! It’s crazy.

Anyhow, that isn’t what this post is about – well sort of I guess. I’ve spent the last few days reviewing the past year and trying to figure out where I went wrong. Now, I am NOT one for New Years Resolutions. Rather I’m one for setting goals. I have a lot of goals for this year all lumped into one – I’m going to become more healthy.

I’m 35 years old and I feel like I’m 50 sometimes. My back always hurts, I cough all the time from smoking and there are times I’m dirt poor, lol. Well that is going to change. Today I’m off to Walmart to try to quit smoking yet again – but this time I really want to. I am going to buy my Nicorette lozenges since I don’t like the patch or the gum. Then I’m coming back and getting on the treadmill, lol. My three main goals are:

To lose weight
To quit smoking
To become financially responsible

Of course I have mini-goals but I won’t bother you with those, but altogether I have 32 mini-goals to accomplish by the end of the year all lumped into those three main goals. I just am ready for some change that’s all.

Another thing I want to change is my relationships with people… meaning, I need new ones. I joined a couple of meetup groups online and am already set up to go to a couple of get togethers – even one this weekend! I’m determined to make new friends that have a variety of interests. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends – but 4 of those relationships are basically kids birthday parties, moms night in, and stuff we do as a group. I only have one friend that I can call and say “Let’s go out!” and quite frankly that isn’t enough for me. I’ve never really had a lot of friends, mainly because I’m a fairly closed person. People just don’t like the fact that I’m not very open, although I always thought I was. But I was wrong. I sure talk a lot and will spill my life story but rarely do I bring emotion into friendship and there are good reasons for that. One is just pure rejection. Even from friends I always seem to get rejected. Like I’m just never the one that they turn to first, I’m never “the” best friend – I’m always just “a” friend. That sucks you know? I want that chick flick movie friendship that always seems so perfect. You know, a Courtney Cox-Jennifer Aniston friendship. I’ll find it one day!

Okay, you know, I’m not sure if I’m rambling to you or myself, so I’ll end this on this note…. It’s not so bad if you try and fail at something, as long as you try in the first place. Eventually I’ll get it right!

A lot of people have moments that can only be described as self-pitying moments. I know over the past few years I have had more than my fair share. Well, I need one more… one more before I put them to rest – never to let them resurface again.

All through life I keep waiting for my AHA moment. You know the one – AHA, I really am fat, now I’m going to lose weight. AHA, I have completely mismanaged my money all through my life which is the reason I’m in the situation I am in now, so I’m going to change it. AHA, I really am a special person so now I’m going to start believing it.

Of course like most people who have these thoughts, these AHA moments come… and they go… with nothing changed. They hit you like a ton of bricks, but it is so few people who actually do something about them.

Then there is Randy Pausch. Randy Pausch is a person who never needed an AHA moment – because he made them for himself. I’m sure almost all of you know who he is – the Professor who gave “The Last Lecture” which is one of the most downloaded videos in the world. He has always believed in living life to the fullest. Then when hit with terminal Pancreatic Cancer did as he always did – he just accepted it and moved on. He talked about it to his students, to the public, and to anyone who would listen. He continued to live life as if nothing was changing. He is completely inspirational and I personally have watched his lecture numerous times and I can’t help but crying.

His favorite saying is are you a “Tiger” or an “Eeyore” Tiger is happy and content, Eeyore is down and depressed all of the time, thinking nothing good can happen to him.

I am an Eeyore. But I don’t want to be. I want to be a Tiger.

Last week as you may know Randy Pausch lost his battle with cancer and that is very sad to me. But for so many reasons other than the fact that he died. It is so unfair that a man who loved his life so incredibly much would die when I who pretty much hate my life on a regular basis continues to live. I realize that right now I should be living for my son. But I don’t feel that way. I live to pay bills, I live to work, I live to pay more bills. I live to struggle. That is what I feel like I’m living for.

I am writing this not only to have my self-pitying moment, but I’m writing this so that I can be held accountable for the way my life is going. So, here are the things that I need to change about my life… so that I can be a Tiger. Wait, let me rephrase… these are the things I WILL change about my life.

I will not be fat anymore.
I will learn how to manage money.
I will spend more time with my son – quality time.
I will work at different times to give my son the time he needs.
I will learn how to be more positive and think more positive thoughts.
I will love myself.
I will not dwell on the negative.

That is a very small list, but it is comprehensive of everything that I think and feel right now.

So from now on, if you feel that I’m being negative or am getting back into a negative place in my life… remind me to have my moment and get over it. Randy found out he had cancer and would live only about 6 more months and he cried for a few days and then he got over it and moved on. I strive to move on past all this negative energy and negative feelings.

Going back to the AHA moments, you may be asking, Is she having one now? YES. Will I finally do something about it? I don’t know, but I will try. I will keep saying positive things. I will continue to try to bring only positive people around me. And I will live my life in a positive way.

I realize that I have gone through this before, but this time I feel it…like deep down in the pit of my stomach – I feel it. I’ve been making strides the past few weeks, asking people for book advice and talking more about wanting to change my life. I’m not going to talk about this anymore. You don’t want to hear it and I don’t want to keep saying it. I just have to do. I’m armed with knowledge right now and that is the most important thing you can have.

I suggest to everyone to watch “The Last Lecture” and I suggest that everyone has one self-pitying day and then move on. Granted I know a few of you that don’t need it – Monica ;) The girl lives for positiveness in her life… and I so admire that! If I could bottle her up and keep her in my back pocket all day long I totally would. And by the way Mon, I’m still saying my mantra’s every single day :-) But for everyone else who struggles, I say go ahead, feel crappy for a day and then figure out ways to change it.

*End of self pity filled rant*